My Social Network

I hated Facebook. For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out.  What was I supposed to do with it?

This was pretty early on in the Facebook timeline. I remember two things that set the initial impression. The first was a standard 'Take a Movie Quiz and See How Well You Do Against Your Friends" kind of thing. I completed it. Whoop-de-doo. The second impression came when a friend posted on my wall, something having to do with predicting my death, one of those worthless apps that amazingly sees the future with just the minimal amount of personal information and a few animated gifs. I didn't get. It wasn't changing my life. So I deleted myself within the week.

[queue montage. traveling music begins and brief scenes from my life pass in front of your eyes as three years elapse.]

My better half says, "Did you see the photos from Shane's trip?"

"No. I didn't get that email, I guess."

"It wasn't an email. It's on Facebook." Then he told me about someone else's post. Then another. And another.

I have to say, I was feeling left out. So I went back and signed up again for no other reason than all the cool kids were doing it and I was the uninvited band geek. It's shameful really.

My new Facebook experience was quite the opposite of my first. Something had changed. No one wanted me to take a movie quiz. No one was predicting my death, be it by sharks or monkeys or rampant unicorn. I was socializing! I was posting status updates! And people 'Like'-d them! (Of course, I've blocked every application on Facebook, so that helps. I really don't care if you birthed a new cow or your goat died on that FarmTown thingy.) With the addition of the iPhone to my life, Facebook became exciting, a real-time fun zone with all of my bestest friends.

Here we are at the Portland Zoo! A friend comments instantly: Check out the new baby orangoutang!  And so we did.  Here we are having martinis at Disney California Adventure! Join us! And three more friends showed up. Suh-weet!

But then it happened. Someone from high school wanted to be friends. I didn't know how to respond (or how they found me for that matter since my profile is always at DEFCON 1 to protect myself from imminent wars with spammers.) We hadn't spoken in 20 years. And now she would know that I checked in at The Pleasure Chest with 2 mutual friends? Or that I posted a picture from the pet store of a leather cat muzzle with the caption, "What's your cat into?'' Thanks, but no thanks.

The other day someone wanted to be friends because we had three mutual friends. What does that have to do with anything? Do these people have nothing better to do than collect digital friends. Sometimes I cave, though. It's just easier.

However, I'm pretty ruthless when it comes to dumping the trash, like the passive-aggressives.  When your status says, "I can't believe that just happened!" then you're only looking for attention, for someone to ask, "What happened?" If that's you, you aren't a friend, or even fully human for that matter. Take that drama back to high school, you 32-year-old tween. It certainly warrants an instant de-friending, which, for me, brings a grand sigh, perhaps the same feeling one would get from a good flea bath, the little critters quietly vacating that difficult to reach area on my hindquarters.

And if you don't have anything to say within a six-month period (or even a quick 'like'), you're out.  Thanks for the non-interest, buddy.

Once the muckety-muck is dissolved and forgotten, I'm left with 30 or so friends with whom I share my world and gladly take part in theirs. It's a great little network.  Very social-y.

In fact, I'm gonna check my Facebook right now.  Hold on.

Oh. A friend request.  From someone I removed months ago for one of the aforementioned reasons. Ignore.